28 Days Later...

Yes, I know. Way too long between posts. I always promise that I'm going to change, and yet somehow I never seem to follow through. Most of the time, I don't feel like I have much to write. My life, unfortunately, is not exciting in many enjoyable ways. But, since I'm about to share some news with the general public, I guess I'll have more things to write about in the coming weeks.

For the few folks who read this regularly, my news isn't really that new. By now you all know that I'm no longer a student at BG, due to an unceremonious issuing of walking papers from the College of Musical Arts. As much as I would love to get righteously indignant and rail on the CMA, it's mostly my doing. I could have worked harder, I found myself distracted by pesky things like Real Life, and when it comes right down to it, I'm most likely not cut out for the dog and pony show whirlwind of professional performance. Life, as they says, is what happens when you're making other plans.

Since I am no longer a student, I have also had my last days as an employee at the Music Library. They got pizza, I got presents, and I think my boss almost cried. It's sappy and sentimental, but I loved working there, and I wish that I could still work there. But it's just not in the cards, and as my boss said, there comes a time when you move on and start the next step of your life.

The problem now is that I don't really have a next step. I've been thinking about my situation a lot, and I know that BG isn't really the place for me anymore. I'm not in school here, with no potential to return in the near future. So many of my friends have moved on to new places, and the job market isn't exactly suited to my particular skills. Though it has been my home for eight years, it's just not the same anymore.

So where do I go? The first thought was back home, but it has all the problems BG has, only doubled. Plus, the pizza's rubbish. I looked into crazy distant jobs, even as far as New York and South Carolina. But the thought of picking up everything and moving to another state gives me cold chills down my spine. Ohio it is then, but where? I took a poll, and it seems that approximately nine million people I know live in the Columbus area. Compelling numbers, I know.

So, Columbus eh? The job hunt begins in relative earnest, though I have to say that job hunting over the internet is second only to dental surgery. Along with the speed and convenience of uploading resumes, we've also lost any common job-hunting courtesy. I have applied to at least 10 jobs. Only one sent a "thanks for applying" letter or email without being prompted. A few others replied after I poked them with a gentle email, but with a cut-and-paste form letter at best. Not one contacted me to let me know that the positions were filled. I know, they don't really do that sort of thing, it happens all the time, but it doesn't make it any less impolite. Doesn't seem like anyone considers that, ya know, folks might be mildly interested in finding out whether they might have a job in the near future. *suppresses rage, for the good of the kids*

So here I stand. The paths before me are murky. A deadline of August 7th creeps closer each day. I am so incredibly frightened that I am beside myself. It's not easy for me to talk about how I'm feeling with people. Most of the time, I just can't trust them. (Please note this doesn't have anything to do with my actual friends, and more to do with my Very Large Issues.) But right now, I am saying to you generous souls that I don't think I've felt more like a failure in my life. Now, the first thing you're thinking is, "It's not you! It's not your fault!" And I know that this path has been littered with unforseen occurrences, unfair treatment, and a smattering of poor decisions on my part. Not, by any stretch, "my fault." But at the same time, in the deep part of my heart that doesn't get much sunshine, I have failed. I've spent eight years studying music, and can't find a place to use it, or even earn a small measure of recognition for any talent I might have. I allowed myself to descend into a depression, not only ignoring and alienating my friends, but ignoring, and in some cases fighting against any well-intended efforts to assist me. Though I thought I had no expectations about the course of my life, it seems now that I had a few vague ideas, rumblings of "career" and "relationship" and "stable life", which I have spectaculary failed to achieve. And now, the life I have made will be completely and irrevocably altered in 28 days. It's time to enter the brave new world, and I'm scared to death.

Wow, what a cheery moment that was! If nothing, I exceed in bringing on a cloud of maudlin that would put Eeyore to shame. But fear not! for not every day is gloom and doom. However frightening it is, I know that life, in its own way, will soldier on. And, hopefully soon, the time will come when I'm excited for the tomorrow that's waiting for me. I just hope it's got chocolate. :)

I'll keep you updated on occurences as they happen. Have a cookie for me if you've got one. :)